A 4,200-Word Review Of My Neighbor's Leaf Blower
AIGHT CHECK IT
Most retired governors buy a lake house.
Some write memoirs.
Some start podcasts nobody asked for.
Me?
I spent six billion dollars and three consecutive legislative sessions creating a certification pathway for dudes named Kyle to become Sodium-Ion Process Specialists.
WE ARE NOT THE SAME
So when I tell you that my neighbor Doug rolled up to his front lawn last Tuesday with a GAS POWERED HANDHELD LEAF BLOWER, I need you to understand the level of personal offense I took.
Doug. DOUG. We have a Tier-2 battery cell facility 14 miles from your house. FOURTEEN MILES. I can see the substation from your kitchen window. I HELPED PERMIT THAT SUBSTATION.
Sidebar: the permitting timeline on that substation was 11 months, down from a baseline of 34. We restructured the EGLE intake workflow. Nobody clapped. That's fine. I don't do it for the claps.
And Doug is out here pulling a cord like it's 1987.
PULLING. A. CORD.
Let me tell you what this blower does. It moves leaves. That's the entire value proposition. Leaves, from one part of the yard, to another part of the yard. For this, Doug has chosen to combust a hydrocarbon mixture, in his hand, six feet from his face.
Meanwhile, 14 miles away, we are producing lithium iron phosphate cells with a 98.2% first-pass yield. EIGHT POINT TWO percent above industry baseline. I want you to sit with that number. Hang the banner.
The Stihl BG 56 C-E retails for $209.95. For $229, Doug could have bought an EGO 56V cordless blower that runs on a battery manufactured by people I personally credentialed through BatteryLine Academy Intermediate Track B.
TRACK. B.
Doug chose violence. Doug chose the 20th century. Doug chose to deny employment to a credentialed Sodium-Ion Process Specialist named Kyle.
I want to be clear: I do not hate Doug. I want to convert Doug.
Conclusion: 2.1 out of 10. One point for moving leaves. One point because the trigger ergonomics are admittedly nice. Point one for the carrying strap. Negative seven points for the fuel source. Negative zero point nine for personally setting Michigan's electrification roadmap back by approximately 0.000004%.
Next week I am reviewing the new mixed-use battery plant going up where the Bed Bath & Beyond used to be. Spoiler. It's a 10.