The State Of The State Bird (It Should Be A Battery)

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I have nothing against the American Robin.

Lovely bird. Eats worms. Shows up in spring. Symbolically robust. 10/10 vibes.

But the American Robin has not contributed a single megawatt-hour to the Michigan grid.

Not one. I checked.

I CHECKED

Meanwhile the 4680 cylindrical cell — 46mm diameter, 80mm tall, tabless design — has powered approximately 340,000 vehicles assembled within state lines as of Q4. Three hundred and forty THOUSAND.

I want you to picture 340,000 robins. You cannot. The mind rebels. But 340,000 cells? That's a Tuesday at Module Plant 3.

HR-4471 proposes formally designating the 4680 cell as the Michigan State Bird, with the Robin retained as 'Michigan State Bird Emeritus, Legacy Category.' This is, frankly, generous to the Robin.

The objections have been predictable.

'A battery isn't a bird.' Correct. It's better.

'Children won't understand.' Children understand torque. Children understand range anxiety. Children, in fact, understand things adults pretend not to.

'Other states will laugh.' Other states ARE laughing. They are laughing nervously. They are laughing the way you laugh when you realize your neighbor has quietly built a vertically integrated battery ecosystem while you were arguing about a salamander.

OHIO IS NERVOUS. I CAN FEEL IT.

9.7 out of 10. Half a point off because the bill doesn't go far enough — the state reptile should also be a battery (slightly larger). The state flower should be a battery (smaller, with a stem). The state stone should already be a battery; this is the easiest update.

I have submitted these as amendments. Senator Whitlock has asked me, quote, 'to please stop calling his office.' I will not be stopping.